IX - FREQUENT COARSE LANGUAGE

December 2002
My weekend was very busy with Christmas festivities and I was glad to come back to work on Monday for a rest. Mark went out fishing on Saturday and caught a shark, it was about one meter long and it wasn't an eating shark. I said to my mum that she could have it for dog food. As she was having her annual Xmas BBQ (see below), we took it over in a great big plastic container and mum took one look at it and shrieked "get it away, throw it back. I don't want it".

Mark left it there thinking (a sleep deprived halucination) that a friend Bob was going to take and prepare it for Kay. I rang her the next day and the shark is still on her front verandah. She is going to have to put it out on bin night. My dad always says mum wouldn't shout if a shark bit her, well, we know she shouts if you leave one on her verandah.

Every year mum has a Christmas Barbeque and it is always very entertaining. Peter H (old workmate) comes along and he says "are there going to be any wierdos there, cos I am not coming if there are no wierdos". Peter is turning 70 next year, he is not on email so he misses out on this newsletter.

One year, a friend of a friend of a friend was invited. I will paint you a picture of him. Very slim with long black greying hair pulled back in a pony tail, chest length greying beard. Blue tattoos up his arms with love and hate on his knuckles, which were also covered with heavy silver rings. Faded blue levis, held up with a studded black leather belt and a blue singlet. I think he might have been wearing thongs, cos I remember tattoos on his feet.

Bev and dad were also invited to the party and alcohol was flowing freely. Mum and dad still get on very well. Anyway, mum and dad were dancing in the sunroom and for some reason mum was down on her knees, (she might have been changing the cd or something) anyway I started shouting out "Bev, Bev, mum is trying to give dad a head job" (mum, dont be mad at me for typing this, it is an important part of the story!).

Bev straight away gets jealous and starts doing "the face". Everyone at the party laughed in a shocked kind of way, I was rolling around pissing myself laughing like it was the funniest thing I had EVER said. Anyway, it was that comment that did it, Bikie boy fell madly in love with me. He started moving his chair next to mine and tried to grope me and I kept trying to escape. Anyway he kept saying "Oi really loik you, Oi don care if yer fat!". Obviously he thought he was in with a chance. I managed to be strong and not succumb to his sweet talk.

On the way home from the party on Saturday, my mobile phone rang and it sounded like Glen, one of the party guests that I had invited, that was still at the party when I left. (Please skip the next two paragraphs if you are offended by bad language and bad manners) The person on the other end of the line asked me what the taxi phone number was, and as I never catch taxis, I don't know the phone number, the person was annoying me saying you must know the number for a taxi.

I looked out of my car window and saw a taxi, on the door it said the number is 1 3 1 C A B S. I told that to the caller and he said, what do you mean C A B S and by this time I was getting very short tempered and I shouted into the phone, oh I dont know, just eff off. They said "do you know who this is" and I shouted "I dont give an effen shit who this is", they replied "this is fox fm and you are live on the air".

Bad mistake - I started shouting out "yeah, live on the air, yeah, eff off, and I want a prize if I'm live on air and make it an effen big one. So just eff off cXck sucker". I don't usually use that particular swear word, but I have been thinking about the movie Muriel's wedding lately and Racheal Griffiths uses it in a parting line to Sophie Lee. So it was a subconcious (but very effective) word.

Mark just looks at me and says quietly "who was that" and I said, "oh I dont know, they said it was Tony from Fox FM". Mark quickly turned on the radio and I think he was relieved to hear music. Due to the amount of alcohol consumed that night we are still unclear if it was Glen, but we think it was.

Current Christmas Spirit Rating is 8 out of 10 and is mainly due to a BBQ I attended last night at an old friend Keith's place. We have known each other since I was 15 when we were part of a small group that used to go out and smash up trains and kick blokes heads in. I have only seen him twice in the last 11 years but it is the type of friendship (which I love) where you can just pick up where you last left off.

He is a successful design engineer and it was fantastic catching up with him and being re-introduced to his daughter who is now 22. He still lives at the same house in Footscray and his daughter now lives in his bungalow that our little group used as a meeting place. It bought back some very happy memories and re-charged my Christmas spirit.

It is really good for me to catch up with friends from childhood and adolescence. In July I saw two girls, Jackie and Elie that I used to terrorise the neighbourhood with when I was 10. These days I walk around blaming my current mental state on my childhood and when I spend time with very old friends, they remind me that it wasn't so bad and that my memories may be negatively exagerated.

Which brings about a disturbing thought, so what is the root cause of my mental state? Leah sent me an email saying that she thinks I am going to get my readers (I love the sound of that .. "my readers") addicted to this newsletter, then charge them money to read it. What a great idea! Thanks Leah. Work - I forgot to bank a cheque for $90,000 the other day. I remembered at 10 pm at night and spent the rest of the night panicking. When I got in the next day Romper Stomper said "Dont worry about it". I know he is messing with my fragile mind. (maybe thats why I am nutty?).

I took it to Highpoint and when I was there I was very happy to run into Frances, she was my bridesmaid from my first wedding to Claire's dad (the dirty rat) (actually she was one of his ex-girlfriends). We have only seen each other two or three times in the last 7 years and we quickly picked up where we left off.

This weeks profile
Name: Jacquie L
Met : At iceskating at Iceland in Ringwood in 1976. We used to go and see bands there on a Sunday night when we were 13 and get up to all sorts of mischief.
Marital Status: Has been married to a good bloke called Ashley (another one who barely tolerates me) for nearly 13 years. I was the matron of honour at their wedding.
Lives : In Perth with their long awaited for daughters Maddie and Courtney. Maddie was born with a hole in her heart and they have spent a lot of time in out of hospitals.
Pets: Might have a cat but she isn't that fond of animals which is great when she has stayed with me in the past with dogs in the bed (under the covers) and cats on the benches
Little know fact : Best job she ever had was squeezing pips out of cherries for Cherrie Ripes
Claim to fame : Drinks about 5 litres of coke a day and is still alive - she also works for Coca Cola
Loves : Chocolate (especially when she worked at Cadbury), coca cola, smoking and sex (my kinda a girl)
Hates : Stupid people and poor white trash
Quote : Oh Really! which is said in different tones of voices to fein or show interest, express surprise or if she suspects the person is bullshitting

I have just re-read what I have written, and this newsletter really is just a load of crap!
Love and Merry Christmas to you all.